By Joanne Wolf
One of the most delightful social customs to come out of LA recently is the trading of sexual résumés. It’s a practice that can fulfill several objectives, from getting past that awkward moment of silence at a cocktail party, to letting a new love-interest know that you’re desirable enough to have once dated a guy who slept with Seinfeld’s girlfriend (not Shoshanna; the actress who played his girlfriend on the episode where he found out she was bisexual.)
Sometimes, the sexual résumé can be employed to good effect in social situations where one’s standing has not yet been suitably established. Say you’ve been talking to a member of your Yoga class, and he or she turns outto be head of creative affairs at Touchstone. This is the time to note that your best friend used to live with one of the lessor Baldwin brothers. Or perhaps you are chatting with a neighbor, who suddenly confides that her husband had an affair with Chrissie Hynde, back when he was still doing coke. In fact, this is exactly what my neighbor R. revealed to me one morning over coffee and bagels, and I was relieved to be able to counter that one of my ex-boyfriends had impregnated Academy Award winner Ronnee Blakely. Never mind that Ms. Blakely is a washed-up actress who ended up playing a mom in "Nightmare on Elm St.:" she’s still a "name", and as such merits a mention in my sexual résumé. The fact that a guy who was worthy of impregnating a celebrity, used the EXACT SAME EQUIPMENT with me…..Well, that means something here in Hollywood.
The thing to remember about the sexual résumé is that sometimes it’s wise to hold an item or two back in reserve, to deliver a coup de gras in a game of romantic one-upsmanship, which can turn nasty, let’s face it. One might be watching television, minding one’s own business, when one’s partner will blurt out triumphantly: "My ex-wife used to live with that guy!" Whether the Guy in question happens to be the star of the show or merely the waiter in a restaurant scene, one is clearly put on notice that the ex-wife’s sexual résumé is glamorous enough to reflect glory upon anyone who managed to make the cut. Rather than sulk or glare for the rest of the evening, one would do well to come back with: "So what, I slept with .." and here you will hopefully have a well-known producer or even screenwriter under your belt, so to speak, to restore the delicate balance of power in your relationship.
Obviously, this practice bears a superficial resemblance to the six degrees of Kevin Bacon game, but the intent of the Sexual Résumé is far more serious and primal: It is nothing less that a struggle for meaning in an absurd universe. Or, in layman’s terms, a bid to establish one’s relative worth in a town where using the same pediatrician as Steven Spielberg is practically a given. And the beauty of the sexual résumé is its halo effect, whereby you needn’t posses an impressive one of your own if your friends and ex’s have been doing their work! For example, a close friend of mine who dated Liz Hurley’s brother thus becomes a valuable footnote to my personal sexual résumé. Likewise, she is free to capitalize on my affair with a former Studio head (whose offer to buy me breast implants is the Hollywood gift of choice, by the way, of men between their first and second marriages.)
When all is said and done, the sexual résumé should be embraced for both its egalitarianism and its promotion of candor in an area once shrouded in taboos. If you’ve slept with any card carrying SAG member, if you’ve dated a waitress who had sex David Hasselhoff, if your brother ever shagged one of Charlie Sheen’s legions of playmates, don’t be shy about speaking up!
And remember: We can’t all have sex with Tom Cruise or Jennifer Lopez, but we can certainly hook up with their personal trainers if we have the Right Stuff. This generally boils down to just a few good phone numbers, a quality haircut, high-end athletic shoes or a fully-loaded Wonder-bra (depending on your gender or gender preferences,) a nice counterfeit Rolex or Tag Heur, and the will to upgrade that résumé to the next level.
That’s it for now. Next month, we’ll look at Christmas giving, Hollywood-style. See you at the Standard on Sunset for drinks!